


Inside Us Only Stars

by kiss_the_apex



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: 2014 season, Drunken Confessions, M/M, Prompt Fill, Tumblr Prompt, drunken fumble, jevcardo, things that never happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-28 07:16:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21132779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiss_the_apex/pseuds/kiss_the_apex
Summary: Daniel is on a different team this season, and Jev is trying to do his best with what he's got.





	Inside Us Only Stars

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2014 as a prompt fill for "Jevcardo / drunken fumble at Silverstone 2014". Yet another one of my old fics that I wrote a thousand years ago and never posted. You can also find me on Tumblr (again) at kiss-the-apex.

He's had time. To get used to it. To get used to Dan being in that other garage, wearing that other racesuit, talking to other people that Jev doesn't know. To start with it was weird, alien. Those first few times where he kept thinking it was still Mark in that car and had to blink and shake his head before he remembered. Dan. Not Mark. Dan.

They still talk, of course. How could they not? They'd been through too much to just ignore each other around the paddock, people would think it odd. Jev smiles and laughs at Daniel’s jokes, allows himself to be patted on the back by his rough hands. Yes, he’s used to it now, used to being the one that didn’t get the seat, the one that got overlooked, the one that had all the bad luck last season. He’s not bitter though, oh no. He just has something to prove now.

Winter break and testing both turned out to be okay. Daniil was smart and eager to please and they got on well - even if Jev did slip up a couple of times and call him ‘Daniel’ by mistake. He’d stop suddenly, realising what he’d just done, frowning immediately and Daniil would grin his biggest toothiest grin to pretend to be Dan and all awkwardness would dissipate. It wasn’t the same, but it wasn’t _bad_. It was just _different._

Everyone was surprised when Dan topped most of the timesheets during the testing phase. Everyone except Jev. Jev knew how good Dan was, knew that he could give Sebastian a run for his money, that Dan wouldn’t be the docile little puppy that they all wanted him to be. 

And so the season began.

The first few races were erratic, with all the teams struggling to get used to their new cars. There were at least two mechanical retirements per race. Even the Red Bull pit wall looked uncomfortable, with furtive glances being exchanged between the men sat there every time a car passed by making an unhealthy noise. Dan retired in China, a rare suspension failure meaning that his race ended on lap 24. Other than that he was impressive. Qualifying well, thrice beating Sebastian to the better grid slot. His best result so far was second in Canada, his weekend coming together almost perfectly and his grin on the podium could be seen for miles.

Even Toro Rosso had upped their game this year, once they were used to the car. Jev continually found himself battling for fourth or fifth place, fighting with Ferraris and McLarens. Sometimes he couldn’t quite believe it, the bad luck from last year had evaporated and there was talk even now of how much he had improved and what a talent he was. He scoffed, thinking _I’ve always been this talented, you just didn’t notice me before._

It all came to a head at Silverstone. Race day began under a dark cloud, rain falling sporadically all morning, leaving the track slippery and damp. The support races were fraught with accidents and spins, Jev biting down on his nails as he watched the GP2 cars skidding around the corners under a wave of spray. He looked up to the sky, to the seemingly endless swath of grey that masked the usual bright blue. Today’s race was going to be interesting.

Interesting turned out to be an understatement.

The weather conditions meant that ten cars didn’t even make it to the checkered flag, with vehicles careening off into barriers left right and centre. Even Sebastian put a wheel on a line of paint and spun his car. Jev kept a cool head, and tried to keep his focus solely on the road ahead and not on what was going on around him. In the end his perseverance paid off - he crossed the line in third place, his first ever podium in Formula 1. What was even better was the fact that Dan had finished second. Jenson had won the race, he was always the best at handling these changeable conditions and once again he proved his talent in wet weather.

Jev practically ran up the stairs to the pre-podium room, charging in there only to be met by Dan who launched himself at him the second he burst through the doorway. They clung to each other and jumped and cheered, because this was long overdue, this was what it was supposed to be like every week. This was the moment that he had been dreaming about for years, the last thing he thought about before he got into his car. _I will stand on the podium._ And here he was. Dan was hot and heavy in his arms, smelling like engines and rain and babbling something enthusiastically in his ear. His brain couldn’t work out what words the sounds were forming. It was thoroughly overwhelming. He hoped he wouldn’t pass out before he even got to the ceremony. _That_ would be one way to be remembered at least.

When they announced his name on the podium, Jev shoved both his fists in the air, standing tall and proud on his step. He could hear Dan whooping for him from his right as Jenson leaned down and patted him on the back.

They both showered him with champagne during the celebration, while he just stood there and grinned, letting the liquid run off of him, savouring the moment. This would be the first of many trips to the podium, he was certain of it. He was on top of the world.

\-----------------------------------

Someone put yet another glass of champagne into his hand, swiftly taking away the one he’d just emptied. He started to say thank you but they’d already moved on, a retreating head mixing into the endless crowd. He took a sip of the drink and mentally decided that this should be his last one, he was already feeling more lightheaded than he liked at these parties. His eyes scanned the room and picked out Daniil on the edge of the dancefloor - now here was a boy who had definitely had too much to drink. Jev witnessed him swaying slightly as he talked to the people gathered around him, his hand gestures getting more and more exaggerated. Until finally he knocked an entire tray of drinks out of a passing waiter’s hands. Jev moved swiftly, navigating his way through the party with practiced ease, politely brushing off questions and greetings from people as he went. When he was close enough he could practically see the shame radiating from Daniil as he apologised again and again, his unfocused eyes darting from person to person.

Jev swung an arm around his young teammate and steered him away from the scene with no resistance. Smiling and holding his now half-full glass of champagne in his right hand, he directed Daniil over towards one of the exits so that he could get some much-needed fresh air. He positioned them out of sight around the corner behind one of those ridiculously-shaped fake bushes that the team so loved.

“Jev stop, I...” Daniil was still wobbly on his feet and had to learn against the building with one shoulder as he spoke, his more pronounced accent combining with his slurring voice to create a dialect that Jev struggled to understand in his own semi-drunk state.

“I think you’ve had enough, yes?” He drained the rest of his glass with a gulp and set it down inside the little bush. Someone would find it later. “Sit down.”

And Daniil didn’t so much sit down as _fall_ down, his legs crumpling under his weight so that he ended up with them tucked underneath him and his forehead leaning against the cool plaster of the wall. He closed his eyes and huffed slightly, a little weary sound that suggested he was probably going to fall asleep like this.

_Kids._

Jev crouched down beside him and patted him on the shoulder. He’d be okay here for a minute, until he brought someone outside to take him home.

“Looks like quite a handful.”

The voice came from behind, and Jev knew exactly who it was in an instant, his eyes widening before he straightened up and turned to face him. He silently prayed he looked steadier on his feet than he felt.

Dan was standing in a gap between two cars, his arms crossed over his chest, grinning at the sight of Jev and (the now passed out) Daniil.

“It’s nothing I haven’t had to deal with before.” Jev replied with a crooked smile, hoping Dan recalled the occasion years ago when they had been in a similar situation. Dan going overboard with the alcohol as he was trying to impress some girl at a party, having dragged Jev along as his “wingman” - a concept Jev had never heard of until then. “Anyway, he’s a lot lighter than you.”

“Are you calling me fat?” Dan gaped with mock shock, his hand pressed to his chest.

Jev shrugged, smiling. “What is it that you say? ‘Big boned’.” 

It was so easy with Dan, to fall into this back and forth banter, to let the teasing words flow from his lips and know that Dan wouldn’t take any of it to heart and that he’d simply smile his impossible smile and jibe Jev right back. He’d missed this.

Dan made a show of staggering backwards. “You _wound me_, Jean-Eric.”

“Ah, he brings out the full name. You’re such a drama queen, _Daniel_.”

Dan barked a loud hearty laugh then, his eyes sparkling with mirth and the glint of something else and Jev was struck by the thought that maybe Dan was more drunk than he had first assumed.

“Mais oui, mais oui.” He joked in Jev’s native tongue, sounding ridiculous with an Australian accent. He covered the distance between them in three long steps and slung an arm around Jev’s shoulders. “Come back inside with me? I heard a rumour that someone’s got some contraband Absinthe in there.”

Jev tried to protest, to say something about having to look after Daniil, to try and assume the grown-up role that he usually did, but Dan was already walking them back towards the doors and the words died in his throat before they were even born.

Besides, he was tired of being the grown-up. This was _his_ party.

\---------------------------------

“..And then I said ‘Is that a didgeridoo or are you just pleased to see me?’” 

The crowd of people gathered around them howled with laughter, obviously entranced by Dan’s easy way of telling stories and jokes, he made everyone feel like he was their best friend. By now they’d had three shots each, two more glasses of champagne, and they had found the rumoured stash of Absinthe and a gulped some of that straight from the proffered bottle. Jev was having trouble standing up straight and wanted to dance continuously. It was a little known fact that Jev was quite the dancer when it came to parties.

He tugged on Dan’s wrist and leaned into his ear. “Dance with me.”

And Dan turned and looked at him with surely the biggest smile Jev had ever seen. So bright and gleaming and full of joy that Jev’s brain stalled for a second, like a car slipping out of gear with a clunk. Jev glanced down at the spot where their skin met and for a split second time seemed to slow down around them, the coloured lights stopped flashing and all that he could feel was Dan’s soft flesh beneath his fingers. Warm and smooth and _his._

Time sped up again with a wrench of movement as Dan started marching over to the dancefloor, leading him. The song was some club dance number with a good beat and Jev found himself moving along to it without much thought, although the fact that the room seemed to be tilting around him a lot did not help. They ended up in the centre of the small space, the people around them oblivious to the two drivers in their midst, too engrossed in their own dancing.

Jev had no idea how long they spent on that dancefloor, the song changed several times and they kept on dancing. A popular record came on and suddenly there was very little room to move, and Dan’s particular style of dancing - which consisted of a lot of flailing arm action - meant that he kept bumping into people. He ricocheted off an unsuspecting woman and before he fully realised what was happening, Jev found his arms full of Dan. He had barrelled into Jev and ended up with his hands on his shoulders and his face perilously close to Jev’s chest.

Jev swayed under the unexpected weight but steadied himself quickly. Something was wrong with his lungs as for some reason he was having trouble inhaling, having to suck in his breaths in short sharp bursts, like a hiccup. Dan’s hands were heavy on his shoulders and Jev moved his own up to cup Dan’s elbows, with the intention to push him away. Dan wobbled slightly, getting his footing back, looking up to thank Jev and to probably laugh the whole incident off when he seemed to freeze halfway through initiating a smile, his features caught between emotions.

His hands were still on Jev’s shoulders, surely by now burning a pair of matching holes through his shirt and searing his skin. Jev met Dan’s eyes and he could tell instantly that something had inexplicably changed. The lights around them were reflecting madly in the coffee-brown pools, spiraling them into an ever-changing prism of violet and blue and garish green. Even in his drunken state Jev could still pick out the fleck of darker brown that marred Dan’s left iris, the spot drawing his gaze as Dan was still frozen to the spot and everything remained blurry around them. Not for the first time, he wished he knew what was going on in Dan’s head, something had triggered this intense kind of staring competition they were currently engaged in and he ached to know what Dan was thinking. Jev was certain that neither of them had blinked for about five minutes, he had an uncanny sense that Dan’s eyes had latched onto something deep in Jev’s very soul and was clinging onto it with his unwavering gaze and if he let go now everything would be different. Changed. 

There was no way back from this moment.

The air in the space between them suddenly felt as thick as treacle, Jev’s hitching breaths becoming more pronounced as he struggled for oxygen, his chest heaving uncomfortably, his lungs cramped and squashed inside his too-small ribcage. Dan tilted his head sideways and Jev mirrored him, unconsciously moving his own face closer, eating up the inches that separated them, never once breaking any of their connections. Elbows, hands, shoulders, eyes.

And then Dan blinked.

In that one action they both seemed to snap out of whatever trance they were in, the party around them sprung back into existence with an almost painful level of volume and Jev let go of Dan’s elbows as if he’d been electrocuted.

Dan backed up, eyes darting anywhere but directly at Jev, his body language screaming fright. Which was a strange reaction, especially coming from Dan. Jev was prepared for laughter, for jokes. Not for fear.

“Dan..” Jev started to say, his small voice nowhere near loud enough to be heard over the music. He was right about before, their dynamic had changed, no matter what the outcome of that moment was, everything was now thrown off kilter. All askew. A part of him kept saying ‘_wrong_’.

And Dan, who was always so full of life, always the biggest personality in the room, was suddenly reduced to this stumbling, silent boy, who was still inching his way backwards. Jev reached out a hand towards him, in the hope of steadying him, to reassure him that everything was still fine (‘fine’ is a relative term), but Dan flinched with almost his entire body, bumping into a woman behind him. He spun, eyes wide, apologising hurriedly before he threw Jev a glance and then fled from the dancefloor, his feet moving in a wavering pattern as he battled his way past partygoers.

“Daniel!” Jev had to make a decision. A probably very important decision that his alcohol-addled mind couldn’t quite deal with right now.

Before he was consciously aware of it he found himself pushing through the crowd, trying to follow the bobbing dark head that was moving across the room. He didn’t apologise to anyone that he all but shoved out of his way, the only thought in his head was _Dan, Dan, Dan_, over and over again, in time to the quickening beat of his heart.

Dan didn’t seem to know where he was rushing off to, only that he appeared to be wanting to get as far away from the dancefloor as quickly as possible. Jev watched him trip over one of his shoelaces as he crashed through a door, both of his palms connecting with the surface with a slap as the door opened beneath him. Someone tried to stop Jev in his chase, a figure moving into his eyeline, trying to talk to him, trying to slap him on the back, to congratulate him _again_. Jev frowned and tried to be as polite as he could, but he knew that every second that he spent talking to this man, the further Dan would be getting away from him. And he had to catch up to Dan tonight otherwise things would be awkward and weird in the harsh sober light of day. He had enough common sense left to realise this, at least.

He smiled and shook the stranger’s hand, nodding at the right times, until finally he could make his excuses and hurry off, bursting through the same door that Dan had fallen through a minute ago. He was greeted with a corridor, with several doors leading off it on both sides. He sighed in frustration - this pop-up party building was obviously bigger than he had first thought. 

The first couple of doors were clearly marked as toilets, he poked his head into the men’s one and called out for Dan but received no reply. Hopefully Dan hadn’t gone into the ladies because Jev definitely wasn’t poking his head in there. He opened two more doors onto rooms filled with stacks of chairs and tables. No Dan. He was left with the only remaining door, the last one on the right.

Holding his breath he spread his palm over the wood and slowly eased the door open. Dan was there. Sat on the floor, with his dark head bowed and his knees pulled up to his chest in a position that was so _unlike_ Dan in every way that Jev had to do a double-take. Around him were shelves full of cleaning products and a stack of brooms and mops against the far wall. He was in a janitor’s closet. Jev moved himself so that he was inside and then closed the door behind him with a soft click. The single light bulb was swaying over their heads.

“Dan…” 

“Jev.” The reply was curt and moody, as Jev had expected it to be. Dan didn’t get sad, Dan got snappy.

Jev sighed and sat down opposite his friend, his back against the door and the toes of his shoes ever-so-slightly touching Dan’s. He tried to not be offended when Dan jerked away minutely.

“Why did you run?”

Dan squeezed his eyes shut and opened them again with visible effort. “Didn’t you feel it?” He whispered, not meeting Jev’s eyes.

Of course Jev felt it, whatever _it_ was. Their relationship was always close, always just teetering on the edge of becoming something else. However neither one of them was willing to take that fateful stop to push it further, to propel them both over the precipice. They were always stuck in this sort of limbo. But that moment on dancefloor, with the music and the lights and the atmosphere, that was something else entirely. And okay, perhaps it was because they were both more than a little drunk, and it was a particularly special occasion, but he would have to be a fool to lie to Dan about noticing some spark igniting earlier on.

He had to choose his words carefully though, Dan was clearly spooked by the whole situation and it wouldn’t do either of them any good to blurt out something he would later regret.

“Of course I did.” He ventured, warily. “Dan, it’s okay you know. It’s okay to feel like that. This.” He poked at Dan’s sneaker-clad foot with his own. “I found you.”

He swore he saw the corner of Dan’s mouth quirk upwards at this. The tiniest amount, but it was something at least. Hope flickered, low and stealthy.

“That you did.”

“You might be a bigshot Red Bull Racing driver now, but I will always find you.” He placed the tip of his toes over Dan’s, in a gesture that was supposed to be comforting, but he was probably just treading on Dan’s foot.

Dan sighed loudly, the sound filling up the tiny space.

“I’m just so _scared_, Jev. Of not being good enough for the team, of always being in Seb’s shadow, of being apart from you all the damn time.” He began to get more animated as he said all of this, emerging from his self-imposed shell. Jev sat there quietly amused as he continued, in some kind of Absinthe-induced haze.

“But then look what we did today. Both of us up there, both of us on that damn podium. And your race, Jev. I kept asking them on the radio where you were, what the situation was with you. They had to tell me to shut up and concentrate on my own race in the end because I was getting too distracted.” He laughed then, a proper chuckle, finally bringing his head up to look at Jev straight on, their faces only a couple of feet apart, his gaze still half-focused.

Jev tilted his head slightly then, to look at Dan laughing. This was his natural state, not the mopey scared boy of a couple of minutes ago. Dan should always be laughing.

“I miss you.”

No sooner had the thought manifested itself in Jev’s mind that the words flowed from Dan’s mouth. Identical thoughts, identical feelings. Jev smiled wryly and scooted himself across the room so that he was sat on Dan’s right, their backs both against the wall, connected again from shoulder to hip to toe.

“I haven’t gone anywhere, Dan. I’m still here.”

“I know, I know that. But it’s just… different.” He wrung his hands together. “Seb’s nice, we’re.. well we’re not ‘friends’, it’s the same as any other teammate I’ve had. Apart from you. No-one’s you. And I see you walking around with Daniil and he looks at you with this kind of _awe_ in his eyes and it kills me, Jev.”

“That’s because he’s trying to learn from me, he’s young and new and he’s trying his best.” 

Jev hesitated _(this is it, this is the moment, don’t screw it up)_ then lifted his right arm up and draped it around the back of Dan’s head, pulling him closer into a comforting hug. Dan’s curly head rested on Jev’s shoulder with a contented sigh, relaxing instantly. He moved slightly, a minute shift of his cheek against the bones of Jev’s shoulder, like a nuzzling animal searching for solace.

“He hasn’t replaced you, Dan.” He said with a reassuring squeeze. “Sometimes you are so silly.” He switched to French to mumble what he really wanted to (but wasn’t ready to) say. The lilting sounds drifting into Dan’s ears, permeating the drunken mist that surrounded them.

“What did you say?”

“Only that you are a stupid boy. A jealous little thing.” He lied.

Dan tipped his head upwards, eyes like saucers and a deliberate pout pushing out his bottom lip. Jev tried not to stare, but his self-control was becoming increasingly weakened. Dan’s face was dangerously close, their noses practically touching, the air between them becoming saturated with their unsteady breathing. And that _pout_…

Jev trailed a finger slowly along Dan’s exposed jaw, feeling the stubble coarse under his touch, watching Dan’s eyes as the pupils dilated further with every centimetre his fingertip covered.

“Jev..” He whispered, the words little more than an echo on his breath, his mouth barely moving.

He closed his eyes then, offering himself over blindly. And Jev was powerless to deny him what they both so obviously wanted. Consequences be damned. Their lips met in a tentative hesitant touch. Jev moved, featherlight and slow, easing himself downwards as he pressed into Dan. One of them made a tiny little plaintive noise (he wasn’t sure who) and then suddenly Dan was pushing his face upwards, heaving himself into the kiss, attacking Jev’s mouth with a renewed fervour, as if he just remembered who he was supposed to be. Jev was slightly taken aback, was expecting Dan to still be passive and for him to be doing all the initiating. But this was Dan, a thousand surprises wrapped up in a shell of sunshine.

He cupped his hand around Dan’s cheek to steady them both, the high cheekbone solid under his thumb as he kept their mouths locked together, their tongues caressing each other in an echo of Jev’s touch. Dan shifted around so that he wasn’t at such an awkward angle, placing his hands on Jev’s shoulders, pushing him further against the wall. And still they kissed, only pulling apart to suck in urgent breaths in complete synchronisation. Jev eased his hands lower, ignoring the sound that Dan made when he lightly brushed over his nipples. Nipples were not his intended destination right now. It might be the atmosphere in the enclosed space, the copious amount of alcohol running through his veins, or the fact that Dan seemed to be so eager, that all his inhibitions had vanished. There were no thoughts in his head apart from _Dan, Dan, need to get closer, Dan_. And Dan wasn’t resisting him at all, practically bucking his hips skywards, willing him to continue, all his earlier signs of fear and trepidation gone now that he knew Jev felt the same.

Jev unbuckled Dan’s belt and made quick work of his button-up fly, undoing it with four muffled pops, his hands skimming the cotton of the boxers beneath, making Dan’s entire body twitch involuntarily.

“Fuck, Jev--” He breathed between kisses, their mouths still firmly wedged together. “Hurry.” And then Dan’s hands were fiddling with the top of his own jeans, urgent and wrenching.

They kicked themselves out of their trousers, the items of clothing were instantly forgotten. Jev’s hands dived into Dan’s pants, tugging the elastic loose so he could work his hand lower. He felt Dan doing the same to him, felt Dan’s rough palm suddenly grab his cock with perhaps a touch more force than was necessary, squeezing him tightly. Jev inhaled sharply, the sensation overwhelming him for a second, his body spasming. He let out a low growl before viciously re-engaging Dan’s lips, biting and tearing like a starved animal, pushing himself into Dan as hard as he could. Dan moaned against him, the right hand that was currently wrapped around Jev’s cock now settling into a steady stroking rhythm.

They moved in tandem, each one a reflection of the other, perfectly synchronised. Up, down. In, out. Jev’s senses were full of Dan - touch, smell, _taste_. It was becoming almost unbearable, engulfing, but in the sweetest, most delectable way. Dan was his and he was Dan’s and oh he didn’t realise that he’d been wanting this for so long. But it was perfect, the urgency and the frantic meeting of flesh on flesh and the sensation of Dan filling his hand and his mouth and his head.

He rocketed towards orgasm, spiraling higher and impossibly higher until he was sure that he was at the very edge of his consciousness, at the peak of what made him _him_. He had a split second to be frightened of what lay beyond when suddenly with a sharp tug of his cock he was shoved over the boundary. Falling and falling, surrounded by spinning stars and meteors and shivers that wracked him to his core. Involuntarily he bit down hard on Dan’s bottom lip and felt Dan shuddering beneath him as he too fell into the abyss with a strained cry combining pleasure and pain.

The charged atmosphere was fractured by the sound of their laboured breathing, both men sucking in the stale air as they slumped against the wall and each other, lost.

\----------------------------------

They didn’t speak about that night again until they saw each other in person, two weeks later, in Germany. Jev was busy with various media commitments after his first Formula 1 podium, plus preparing for the next race, so there was no time to call Dan, let alone meet up with him. He spotted him walking around the paddock once or twice, but he was always just out of reach, always just turning into a building. It wasn’t until they were both obliged to be together just before the race that they were forced into conversation.

“Hi.” Jev ventured, sidling up alongside Dan as everyone took their places on the back of the parade truck. If Dan was nervous or hesitant he didn’t show it, his eyes were masked behind a pair of oversized sunglasses and his cap was pulled down low. Of course he greeted Jev with a beaming smile, but something was a little off with it, Jev knew him well enough to know when something was lurking just beneath the surface. But the front he presented to everyone else was watertight. No-one batted an eyelid when they ended up standing next to each other at the rear of the truck bed, Seb nodded at them both as he walked past to take up his usual spot next to Kimi.

Jev sucked on his drinks bottle as it became clear that the smile was the only form of greeting that Dan was going to allow himself today. The truck gave a sudden lurch as it began it’s procession around the track, and Jev grabbed the rail to steady himself - at the exact same time that Dan reached for the exact same piece of metal. Their hands bumped, their skin sliding against each other before Dan quickly pulled his hand away and placed it down gingerly a couple of inches away.

Jev looked down at their hands, both rough-skinned and tanned and peppered with tiny scars from previous minor accidents. So similar. Practically the same size. A mirror of each other.

“So.” He began, lifting his other hand to wave at the crowd gathered in the stands. “How have you been?”

Dan laughed then. Not his usual bark but a quiet, low chuckle. There was a pause before he answered.

“I’m fine, Jev. Everything’s fine.”

Jev frowned. He clearly _was not_ fine, but if Dan wanted to play it like that, he couldn’t force him to act any other way. He didn’t really know what to say, how to approach the subject. It had been too long. And now Dan was acting... _wrong._

He waited until they made it around the next corner before he tried again.

“I’m sorry Dan. For that night.” A lie. He was the opposite of sorry.

Dan tilted his head towards him slightly, the smile flickering off for a second, like a lightbulb about to fizzle out into blackness. He held onto his grin. Just.

“Seriously dude, it’s okay. What happened happened and yeah it was pretty rad but we both knew that it was only for that night, right?” He broke off to wave at a group of fans with an Australian flag. “I mean, come on, what could we have done after that? Have some kind of ‘happy ever after’? This is racing, Jev. They’d eat us alive.”

Oh.

Well.

Jev wished that he could see Dan’s eyes, that he could read him properly, because what he was saying was the exact truth and extremely sensible and the _polar opposite_ of what Dan would normally say. Dan was hiding again, behind his carefully built walls of smiles and jokes and japes. Perhaps it was the only way he knew how to deal with this. How to deal with everything.

Jev wondered how lonely it was, being Daniel Ricciardo.

But he had seen behind that barricade, had seen that small boy curled up with his knees held tightly to his chest on the dirty floor of a supply closet. And of course Jev knew that they couldn’t amount to anything, that they could never really be together.

He let out a long-withheld breath.

“We’re still us though, I meant every word. What little words were spoken, anyway.” He bumped Dan’s elbow with his own. “You’re my best friend here. You’ll always be my best friend here.”

Dan’s smile was still slightly off, still a little bit skewed, but it was better than the hundreds of alternatives that Jev had imagined before this conversation. Dan never talking to him again. Dan being angry with him. Something was still troubling Dan deep inside, but perhaps it wasn’t just to do with Jev, perhaps the pressure of being a Red Bull driver was a bigger weight on his shoulders than Jev realised. He had been incredibly selfish during all this. He cursed himself inwardly. 

Maybe all Dan needed right now was a friend.

Jev continued his waving and smiling, occasionally taking a swig from his bottle, and gradually inching his hand closer to Dan’s on the metal rail that they both still clutched. Millimetre by millimetre he moved, subtly so that no-one would notice, never intentionally casting his eyes down. He felt the moment their skin met through his hyper-aware pinky finger, a connection forged instantly. This time Dan didn’t pull away, he didn’t move at all, kept his head high and his eyes on the grandstands around him, but was that a hint of colour in his cheeks? A twitch at the corner of his mouth? 

Jev kept edging closer, his finger moving like a caterpillar as it crawled over Dan’s, eventually coming to rest in an interlocked position, overlapped with each other. Dan still hadn’t made a move and Jev was beginning to worry about what that meant when suddenly he felt a tiny shift from the finger pinned underneath his own. It curled slightly, bending so that they were truly intertwined, engaged in their own version of a pinky swear, their bodies hiding their hands from the view of everyone else on the truck. Jev smiled and hummed a low hum, feeling the sound reverberate through his bones, spreading out from where it started in his gut, flowing through his veins and out through the pores on his skin. He felt all the tiny hairs on his arm stand up.

This would do. 

They’d thrown themselves over the edge and landed bruised but still intact. In this world, it was probably the best that they could have hoped for. Dan wasn’t right inside, and to be honest neither was Jev - he was still dealing with his own demons, birthed from when he was passed over for the Red Bull seat, creatures that would no doubt stay with him for a long time. Maybe neither of them would ever be perfect inside, maybe that was just something you had to deal with when you were an F1 driver. But they would always have that night in the storage closet. They would always be connected.

They would always find each other.


End file.
